Trapped in a Bottle?

Surely it is hard to understand what one is going through unless we are having that same exact feeling at the same exact moment, rarely this happens. Yes they can have some sort of understanding, more like empathy but to really know you must be in their head thinking all of their thoughts with them, feeling whatever stems from that thought. Rationalizing our thoughts and dealing with them is all different. Why? Well because we all deal with our own problems and situations differently. Take me for instance, I tend to bottle them up and evaluate my self trying to find my own reasoning before exploiting intimate thoughts so they can be judged or analyzed by someone else. I grew up mostly a loner, my own parent, guardian well I just grew up too damn early. For that reason I never had guidance except my own and to this day I have an issue with authority. I believe guidance is very important so don’t think I’m bashing on it, I’ve just trained my body to act, react and think a certain way. That’s why I bottle things in. When I do this I alienate pretty much everyone around me until I have come to my own understanding of whatever I may be feeling or going  through. No one knows us like our selves, no one will. You just have to learn to except people for who they are because we all are going through it…..

playing telephone never left kindergarden and miserbale people are great at playing it

People brake up happy homes everday with something as easy as a rumor , something someone will do to get a rise out of someone to make them feel better about themselves. Selfish much? Then there’s assumptions that stems off a rumor, of course where there’s a rumor there’s doubt. Then there’s accusations. Where then the person has to defend or reassure this “rumor” isn’t true. When someone starts a rumor about me I don’t let it effect me because I know what the truth is and well, I don’t like lies. Secrets. My conscience is somewhat bigger then my heart. What most people don’t know is that, this rumor you start can ruin someone’s life. Why? Why? Why? To me its simple, their life is lacking what yours has and that’s loyalty honor and respect and well jeeze if one doesn’t have that then the other will secretly be breaking you down in many ways and most of the time while smiling in your face. Then there’s that moment when reality sets its self in, they do something completely out of line and you (if your as real as I am) will speak apon it not so ignorantly but perfectly justible enough to get your point across. To those oh so poor pathetic ones whom find misery so comforting and feeling as though you are attacking them will and I promise will hit you at any lowest point, to ruin what ever is most important to you. So to those miserable people, you won’t be miserable forever, and may god have mercy on you because since you didn’t think before you acted out with just a simple lie, and ruined someone’s life, it can easily happen to you. I’m proud to say my loyalty will and always will stay intact and would never speak of nothing but the truth. My advice to you my dear impossibly miserable people, stop wollowing in your own self petty and get it together and THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.

We Will ALWAYS wonder why, article written for the family violence project

In the midst of abuse we always find our selves making excuses, a reason as to why this is happening to us. We are vulnerable and the burden makes us feel alone. Unheard. Unwanted. Unworthy. The weight that’s carried around after being abused slowly feeds off our souls. Our dignity that we once had may seem to of diminished. I’m proudly writing this to say that you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor. You haven’t lost your dignity. You have been hiding it behind the doors of fear. Fear of it happening again. Or fear of maybe you deserved it even when you didn’t. Inspiration is hard to find, hard to believe after going through something so detrimental, we lock our feelings inside our minds, we become our own prisoners. For years I did just that. Lived in the jail of my mind, always looking behind me and always analysing anything and everything said to me. I find my self at times barricaded in my own home making sure every door and window is locked. To this day I still suffer from the night terrors of rape and abuse, that he was coming back. That he was going to finish me off. That fear controlled me for almost a decade. Not once did I think I’d be sitting here writing this. Yet I am because I’m no longer afraid of the truth. Just like you, we are here still because there is a greater plan for us. Love clouds our minds and we only see what we want to see. When someone is continuously telling things to bring us to our lowest point, to make it seem like its true its hard to come back from that. There’s a quote that I once read by a very inspiring person. She said “You may trod me in the very dirt,But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”-Maya Angelou. Justice isn’t always made through a Judge. Sometimes its within our selves. You have to learn to forgive even though you will never forget. Forgiveness places the power you didn’t have in your hands and shows your strength is more powerful then any hand laid upon you or and word that made you feel less then who you truly are. The family violence project not only aloud me to speak my side that was never heard but it also aloud me to hear my self for the first time in years. I realized something as I sat there rambling on. What I realized is that not only am I a survivor but i am not alone and I found my path to healing. He may never see jail for the things he did but my voice means something, its life changing. If my words could change one person it will alter the whole world and hopefully that one person will in turn change someone else’s. Never be ashamed of what happened, never feel like your alone because I’m right here and I know there are many more out there that are still too afraid to leave. Its never OK to feel less then who we are. My child hood was taken away from me at the hands of a man who molested me and instilled fear that he would hurt my sisters too. I was brave at seven years old and I was brave at sixteen until I was twenty. I’m now twenty six who always had a dream in writing. When i was being abused I never believed in my self. I always say I’d rather take a punch to my face then to be called fat, stupid, unloved, unwanted and that I would never be good at anything other then pleasing this man. To this day I still would rather take a hit then to belittled by words. Growing up there was a saying that we would say in school. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” unfortunately they hurt more then people realize. Everyday there is a suicide from words that hurt. Everyday someone loses their life at the hands of an abuser because they didn’t know they were not alone and they did not know just how worthy they truly are. I’m hoping that by reading this at least one person will have the courage to leave. That at least one person will be able to look their self in the mirror tommarow morning and say, “I’m beautiful, I’m here and I’m not afraid any more”. We all will always wonder why. We may never know. Just remember one thing. Each day you have come along, is another day you still have remained strong. Don’t lose hope. Don’t ever feel like dreams don’t come true. You survived something horrible, that right there shows you have the strength to be anything you want to be. For those who are living with fear, who are being abused, I want you to know you can get out now, your not alone and you will survive, just believe.

Stabilization, a once in a life time miracle

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and felt a magnetic force purring into your soul? After many and when i say many i am talking two decades now of mental and physical abuse I found my self standing completely drunk yet momentarily sober when the force between our eyes met. The most powerful and intense yet gentle feeling i have ever had see right through my hurt. Sounds crazy saying this seeing how i was completely intoxicated, but believe it or not we are still together to this day. Our days are not much anything in any form of normal, but who can really say what normal is? We both come from painful past yet we both seek the same things in our future, embellished in each other’s dreams and goals. Obstacle, challenges, bumps in the road have no impact on our love. We are indestructible. This is rare. To know i wont be hurt and to know i would never in my life do anything to compromise or tear him away from anything then who he truly is. A beautiful person i must say. A beautiful giving soul. A once in a life time miracle.

response

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Cause, Meet Effect.”

As my first blog on this sight i made quite a relation to the factors between love and nature. Its a feeling or emotion being connected to earth. The very soil we walk on needs to breath just like you and me. It gets wet and it drys up. Just like you and me. Very obvious the relations we can make with our life to the relations of Nature. Its a beautiful thing if you can connect your heart to this very emotion I am referring to.

A LITTLE RAMBLING THROUGH MY WALK IN THE WOODS

Love is something like water (just a thought) Yesterday i took a walk into our back yard. Its bare trees and the cold creek some where deep into the woods where i was lead. Always found being alone in nature to be my serenity. Maybe once in my life i was a tree or a rock. Who would ever truly know what they once were but i do know one thing, there is nothing more in life that makes me feel more at peace then sitting on a tree stump in the middle of the woods. Just me and nature. As i was walking there was this one area that the sun was beaming down on and something told me to follow into the sun. As i approached there was a old tree i am assuming to be hundreds and hundreds of years old. It just layed there tipped over. I ran my fingers across the roots that were still striving for life. As the Maine winters are the tree its self was so brittle and would fall apart as i touched it. Finding my self in deep conversation with this tree. ( No i am not completely crazy) I cherish all forms of life. This tree once stood tall and embraced us with its ability to create oxygen in which we breath. We all know nature takes its course and it saddened me to see such a beautiful tree just lay there almost begging for its life not for its self because trees are so selfless. They are the givers of life and nature. Without them we would not be able to breathe the air that we take in. We would not be able to survive. I’m sitting here rambling on about this one tree but i feel so deeply and passionate about it. Although i know more trees will grow and the circle of life will continue. After my moment with this beautiful tree i walked over to this huge bolder covered in this beautiful green moss just inches from a creek and you could hear as the water was flowing rather rapidly yet at a pace where ever drip and flow would melt your heart. Again, serenity. And as i sat and watched the creek fight its way through i noticed its a lot like a deep feeling we all have inside of us. Love. Water always finds its way through. Water is indestructible. Whether it be a branch a stump from a tree clusters of fallen leaves or a bolder, the waters makes its way through down the creek. Water doesn’t die. Love doesn’t die. Love should always continue like the current. My eyes were so fascinated by making its way through. So peaceful as it fights what ever battle it may come across. That as i sit there running my finger tips across the crisp flow of the creek, a light breeze chilling my now pinkish cheeks, i came to this conclusion. Love is like nature. Nature is dedication. Loyal to its very purpose. That my readers is Love.