We Will ALWAYS wonder why, article written for the family violence project

In the midst of abuse we always find our selves making excuses, a reason as to why this is happening to us. We are vulnerable and the burden makes us feel alone. Unheard. Unwanted. Unworthy. The weight that’s carried around after being abused slowly feeds off our souls. Our dignity that we once had may seem to of diminished. I’m proudly writing this to say that you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor. You haven’t lost your dignity. You have been hiding it behind the doors of fear. Fear of it happening again. Or fear of maybe you deserved it even when you didn’t. Inspiration is hard to find, hard to believe after going through something so detrimental, we lock our feelings inside our minds, we become our own prisoners. For years I did just that. Lived in the jail of my mind, always looking behind me and always analysing anything and everything said to me. I find my self at times barricaded in my own home making sure every door and window is locked. To this day I still suffer from the night terrors of rape and abuse, that he was coming back. That he was going to finish me off. That fear controlled me for almost a decade. Not once did I think I’d be sitting here writing this. Yet I am because I’m no longer afraid of the truth. Just like you, we are here still because there is a greater plan for us. Love clouds our minds and we only see what we want to see. When someone is continuously telling things to bring us to our lowest point, to make it seem like its true its hard to come back from that. There’s a quote that I once read by a very inspiring person. She said “You may trod me in the very dirt,But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”-Maya Angelou. Justice isn’t always made through a Judge. Sometimes its within our selves. You have to learn to forgive even though you will never forget. Forgiveness places the power you didn’t have in your hands and shows your strength is more powerful then any hand laid upon you or and word that made you feel less then who you truly are. The family violence project not only aloud me to speak my side that was never heard but it also aloud me to hear my self for the first time in years. I realized something as I sat there rambling on. What I realized is that not only am I a survivor but i am not alone and I found my path to healing. He may never see jail for the things he did but my voice means something, its life changing. If my words could change one person it will alter the whole world and hopefully that one person will in turn change someone else’s. Never be ashamed of what happened, never feel like your alone because I’m right here and I know there are many more out there that are still too afraid to leave. Its never OK to feel less then who we are. My child hood was taken away from me at the hands of a man who molested me and instilled fear that he would hurt my sisters too. I was brave at seven years old and I was brave at sixteen until I was twenty. I’m now twenty six who always had a dream in writing. When i was being abused I never believed in my self. I always say I’d rather take a punch to my face then to be called fat, stupid, unloved, unwanted and that I would never be good at anything other then pleasing this man. To this day I still would rather take a hit then to belittled by words. Growing up there was a saying that we would say in school. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” unfortunately they hurt more then people realize. Everyday there is a suicide from words that hurt. Everyday someone loses their life at the hands of an abuser because they didn’t know they were not alone and they did not know just how worthy they truly are. I’m hoping that by reading this at least one person will have the courage to leave. That at least one person will be able to look their self in the mirror tommarow morning and say, “I’m beautiful, I’m here and I’m not afraid any more”. We all will always wonder why. We may never know. Just remember one thing. Each day you have come along, is another day you still have remained strong. Don’t lose hope. Don’t ever feel like dreams don’t come true. You survived something horrible, that right there shows you have the strength to be anything you want to be. For those who are living with fear, who are being abused, I want you to know you can get out now, your not alone and you will survive, just believe.


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