Abusive relationships to reactions

Have you ever been hit? Emotionally drained and stripped of all dignity? Have you ever had someone force them into your self? I have. Years it has been and the pain was hidden in a closet somewhere in my body. Lately the pain has resurfaced and this time I am dealing with it head on. Personally i have come to the recognition that sheltered pain can turn into anger. The flight mode in the back of my mind takes flight. May have even continued the cycle of abuse. I hit my fiance for saying something in regards to a man who raped me. Never been one to use excuses but apparently my mind was so baffled by the words that the reflex was my backhanded him in the mouth. This isnt ok. Ever. As hard as it could have been to ignore, i didn’t. He was looking for a reaction. He most definitely got on. Pain turns to anger over a period of time if it’s not dealt with. As being someone who feels so strongly in stopping abuse I saught help for my reaction. It’s hard to admit something like this but it saved me from ever doing it again. Now with the help of not only my fiance understanding how certain things are sensitive to me but im also working with a woman who is helping focus on the pain. The pain that was hiding for years. Never be ashamed of help, seeking it or asking, It’s out there.

When I Talk To You

When i am talking and feel ignored, i get this ache in my chest that makes me want to break down and cry. Why is it when you have something to say its more important than what i have to say? Why is everything important when its convenient? I’m not understanding a lot of things other than that i’m obviously feeling unheard. In turn, its making me feel the inevitable. Alone.

Am I in my head?

I guess we all truly do look at things differently. To me the key to a succesful relationship is communication. When there isn’t any then you may as well be alone because that’s what it begins to feel like. Someone you call your best friend is someone I feel you can tell everything to, good or bad. Lack of communication within two people becomes a distance. No matter how badly you want to be close they will drift away at their own doing. It may hurt but there is nothing you can do. Someone may say there’s no use in crying over something you cannot help. I guess im just sensitive.

compassion

In the world today its rare to find the simple adjective in people, compassion. There is various lengths to which compassion is given and received. I am taken back by the way we all interact and react in this generation. Social media causes such reaction out of people and it immediately implicates one another’s character without even really knowing. The common phrase I see on one particular site I use for communication with distant friends and family is this “STOP COMPLAINING, IM SO SICK OF ALL THE NEGITIVE POSTS!” This is something I see almost on a regular basis. My opinion is instead of reacting to what you feel is so negative is to respond with something positive for instance, “Hope you day gets better” or “I’m thinking of you during this difficult time” That in it self is compassion to what one is going through. We all have the status update to write what ever it is we are feeling our selves. Compassion comes from others reading and reacting in a positive uplifting manner. If only more people in this generation could grasp the true meaning of compassion.

I know it’s been a while since I have blogged, due to medical situations I have personally been going through. I’m hoping to write more now that I’m healing and feeling better.