Abusive relationships to reactions

Have you ever been hit? Emotionally drained and stripped of all dignity? Have you ever had someone force them into your self? I have. Years it has been and the pain was hidden in a closet somewhere in my body. Lately the pain has resurfaced and this time I am dealing with it head on. Personally i have come to the recognition that sheltered pain can turn into anger. The flight mode in the back of my mind takes flight. May have even continued the cycle of abuse. I hit my fiance for saying something in regards to a man who raped me. Never been one to use excuses but apparently my mind was so baffled by the words that the reflex was my backhanded him in the mouth. This isnt ok. Ever. As hard as it could have been to ignore, i didn’t. He was looking for a reaction. He most definitely got on. Pain turns to anger over a period of time if it’s not dealt with. As being someone who feels so strongly in stopping abuse I saught help for my reaction. It’s hard to admit something like this but it saved me from ever doing it again. Now with the help of not only my fiance understanding how certain things are sensitive to me but im also working with a woman who is helping focus on the pain. The pain that was hiding for years. Never be ashamed of help, seeking it or asking, It’s out there.

When I Talk To You

When i am talking and feel ignored, i get this ache in my chest that makes me want to break down and cry. Why is it when you have something to say its more important than what i have to say? Why is everything important when its convenient? I’m not understanding a lot of things other than that i’m obviously feeling unheard. In turn, its making me feel the inevitable. Alone.

Am I in my head?

I guess we all truly do look at things differently. To me the key to a succesful relationship is communication. When there isn’t any then you may as well be alone because that’s what it begins to feel like. Someone you call your best friend is someone I feel you can tell everything to, good or bad. Lack of communication within two people becomes a distance. No matter how badly you want to be close they will drift away at their own doing. It may hurt but there is nothing you can do. Someone may say there’s no use in crying over something you cannot help. I guess im just sensitive.

compassion

In the world today its rare to find the simple adjective in people, compassion. There is various lengths to which compassion is given and received. I am taken back by the way we all interact and react in this generation. Social media causes such reaction out of people and it immediately implicates one another’s character without even really knowing. The common phrase I see on one particular site I use for communication with distant friends and family is this “STOP COMPLAINING, IM SO SICK OF ALL THE NEGITIVE POSTS!” This is something I see almost on a regular basis. My opinion is instead of reacting to what you feel is so negative is to respond with something positive for instance, “Hope you day gets better” or “I’m thinking of you during this difficult time” That in it self is compassion to what one is going through. We all have the status update to write what ever it is we are feeling our selves. Compassion comes from others reading and reacting in a positive uplifting manner. If only more people in this generation could grasp the true meaning of compassion.

I know it’s been a while since I have blogged, due to medical situations I have personally been going through. I’m hoping to write more now that I’m healing and feeling better.

TRANQUILITY

The beginning of my new year started off belligerently disturbing. In relationships that have what i like to call sore spots can carry some heavy weighted baggage into the new relationship. Hardships in life seem to place an effect on our minds. Not even knowing it we may find our selves thinking a thought that isn’t even real. What this does is that it makes for a complex relationship even if the cliché saying honeymoon stage is over.   The overbearing thoughts can be so hazardous to our partner because we are continuously incautiously taking the weight of our pain out on them. Now im not doctor but I speak from living experiences. What I have learned is that scientifically we have many parts to our brain. Mainly two. We have our mind. Then the brain its self. We don’t realize that our mind can be so deceiving. Its like having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Who is more convincing? Then as our mind takes over in a post traumatic occurrence spitting fire at our partner, more than likely there would be wood added to the fire because directly in the back of our head there’s something called flight mode, which sends us into this defence mechanism causing more and more fuel to the fire. The end result more than likely is never good. How do we take traumatic events and the pains that our mind are daily spinning around in our heads and differ them from someone who has done nothing relevant to the past? How do we find the tranquility and set free and come together as one and go back to the beginning of our time? Well the answer is you can’t. I sit and make a positive and negative list as i learned to do so after my last abusive relationship. There is no comparison. My partner and I truly love each other without even truly knowing what love is. We both have to move on each day knowing that we made a huge fire one night that only was burned out when there was nothing left to be added. We communicate very well. We both know somethings will now carry on in this relationship and will not be forgotten. Yet inevitably we are so drawn together and our passion beats all the odds. One thing i have learned this new year is that social media can cause so much interruption and we both have gone and are done with facebook for one. For two we are leaving the past where it belongs and that is in the past. There is nothing more tranquil then knowing we are standing side by side looking ahead without a glance behind.  As my first post to 2015 I truly hope people realize that we may be so caught up in our past because of all the energy we put into it and all the years the days and minutes that seem waisted away is nothing but something we needed to learn from. Welcome 2015 and may all be blessed with something new to learn. something new to love. Go beyond the horizon. Go into and find your tranquility. I have found and realized mine.

Trapped in a Bottle?

Surely it is hard to understand what one is going through unless we are having that same exact feeling at the same exact moment, rarely this happens. Yes they can have some sort of understanding, more like empathy but to really know you must be in their head thinking all of their thoughts with them, feeling whatever stems from that thought. Rationalizing our thoughts and dealing with them is all different. Why? Well because we all deal with our own problems and situations differently. Take me for instance, I tend to bottle them up and evaluate my self trying to find my own reasoning before exploiting intimate thoughts so they can be judged or analyzed by someone else. I grew up mostly a loner, my own parent, guardian well I just grew up too damn early. For that reason I never had guidance except my own and to this day I have an issue with authority. I believe guidance is very important so don’t think I’m bashing on it, I’ve just trained my body to act, react and think a certain way. That’s why I bottle things in. When I do this I alienate pretty much everyone around me until I have come to my own understanding of whatever I may be feeling or going  through. No one knows us like our selves, no one will. You just have to learn to except people for who they are because we all are going through it…..

playing telephone never left kindergarden and miserbale people are great at playing it

People brake up happy homes everday with something as easy as a rumor , something someone will do to get a rise out of someone to make them feel better about themselves. Selfish much? Then there’s assumptions that stems off a rumor, of course where there’s a rumor there’s doubt. Then there’s accusations. Where then the person has to defend or reassure this “rumor” isn’t true. When someone starts a rumor about me I don’t let it effect me because I know what the truth is and well, I don’t like lies. Secrets. My conscience is somewhat bigger then my heart. What most people don’t know is that, this rumor you start can ruin someone’s life. Why? Why? Why? To me its simple, their life is lacking what yours has and that’s loyalty honor and respect and well jeeze if one doesn’t have that then the other will secretly be breaking you down in many ways and most of the time while smiling in your face. Then there’s that moment when reality sets its self in, they do something completely out of line and you (if your as real as I am) will speak apon it not so ignorantly but perfectly justible enough to get your point across. To those oh so poor pathetic ones whom find misery so comforting and feeling as though you are attacking them will and I promise will hit you at any lowest point, to ruin what ever is most important to you. So to those miserable people, you won’t be miserable forever, and may god have mercy on you because since you didn’t think before you acted out with just a simple lie, and ruined someone’s life, it can easily happen to you. I’m proud to say my loyalty will and always will stay intact and would never speak of nothing but the truth. My advice to you my dear impossibly miserable people, stop wollowing in your own self petty and get it together and THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.

We Will ALWAYS wonder why, article written for the family violence project

In the midst of abuse we always find our selves making excuses, a reason as to why this is happening to us. We are vulnerable and the burden makes us feel alone. Unheard. Unwanted. Unworthy. The weight that’s carried around after being abused slowly feeds off our souls. Our dignity that we once had may seem to of diminished. I’m proudly writing this to say that you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor. You haven’t lost your dignity. You have been hiding it behind the doors of fear. Fear of it happening again. Or fear of maybe you deserved it even when you didn’t. Inspiration is hard to find, hard to believe after going through something so detrimental, we lock our feelings inside our minds, we become our own prisoners. For years I did just that. Lived in the jail of my mind, always looking behind me and always analysing anything and everything said to me. I find my self at times barricaded in my own home making sure every door and window is locked. To this day I still suffer from the night terrors of rape and abuse, that he was coming back. That he was going to finish me off. That fear controlled me for almost a decade. Not once did I think I’d be sitting here writing this. Yet I am because I’m no longer afraid of the truth. Just like you, we are here still because there is a greater plan for us. Love clouds our minds and we only see what we want to see. When someone is continuously telling things to bring us to our lowest point, to make it seem like its true its hard to come back from that. There’s a quote that I once read by a very inspiring person. She said “You may trod me in the very dirt,But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”-Maya Angelou. Justice isn’t always made through a Judge. Sometimes its within our selves. You have to learn to forgive even though you will never forget. Forgiveness places the power you didn’t have in your hands and shows your strength is more powerful then any hand laid upon you or and word that made you feel less then who you truly are. The family violence project not only aloud me to speak my side that was never heard but it also aloud me to hear my self for the first time in years. I realized something as I sat there rambling on. What I realized is that not only am I a survivor but i am not alone and I found my path to healing. He may never see jail for the things he did but my voice means something, its life changing. If my words could change one person it will alter the whole world and hopefully that one person will in turn change someone else’s. Never be ashamed of what happened, never feel like your alone because I’m right here and I know there are many more out there that are still too afraid to leave. Its never OK to feel less then who we are. My child hood was taken away from me at the hands of a man who molested me and instilled fear that he would hurt my sisters too. I was brave at seven years old and I was brave at sixteen until I was twenty. I’m now twenty six who always had a dream in writing. When i was being abused I never believed in my self. I always say I’d rather take a punch to my face then to be called fat, stupid, unloved, unwanted and that I would never be good at anything other then pleasing this man. To this day I still would rather take a hit then to belittled by words. Growing up there was a saying that we would say in school. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” unfortunately they hurt more then people realize. Everyday there is a suicide from words that hurt. Everyday someone loses their life at the hands of an abuser because they didn’t know they were not alone and they did not know just how worthy they truly are. I’m hoping that by reading this at least one person will have the courage to leave. That at least one person will be able to look their self in the mirror tommarow morning and say, “I’m beautiful, I’m here and I’m not afraid any more”. We all will always wonder why. We may never know. Just remember one thing. Each day you have come along, is another day you still have remained strong. Don’t lose hope. Don’t ever feel like dreams don’t come true. You survived something horrible, that right there shows you have the strength to be anything you want to be. For those who are living with fear, who are being abused, I want you to know you can get out now, your not alone and you will survive, just believe.

Stabilization, a once in a life time miracle

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and felt a magnetic force purring into your soul? After many and when i say many i am talking two decades now of mental and physical abuse I found my self standing completely drunk yet momentarily sober when the force between our eyes met. The most powerful and intense yet gentle feeling i have ever had see right through my hurt. Sounds crazy saying this seeing how i was completely intoxicated, but believe it or not we are still together to this day. Our days are not much anything in any form of normal, but who can really say what normal is? We both come from painful past yet we both seek the same things in our future, embellished in each other’s dreams and goals. Obstacle, challenges, bumps in the road have no impact on our love. We are indestructible. This is rare. To know i wont be hurt and to know i would never in my life do anything to compromise or tear him away from anything then who he truly is. A beautiful person i must say. A beautiful giving soul. A once in a life time miracle.